broken promise

Me and my boyfriend made a promise before we broke up, that we'll never have sex with anyone else (after us) until marriage. He made another promise that I'll be the first girl that will be in his heart. The break-up was considerably tragic, it happened a week after I visited him in SF while i live in london. He didn't talk to me at all afterwards, not even a how are you or merry christmas or happy new year, he deleted all my pictures from his facebook profile picture album, and his blackberry messenger status always has something to do with being in love. For a moment I thought all his promises are bullshit, what kind of 18-year old guy would refuse to have sex until marriage especially when I know girls are always chasing him around.

My love for him and the heartbreak was really deep that I literally cry every morning for months, just trying to remember how we were. The fact that he just disappeared from my life made it hard for me to understand whether everything we had was real or not. About a month ago, I sent him a long message, as a final goodbye because I wanna tell him the things I've been hiding and as a turning point to move on... to someone else. Maybe he was impressed by how honest I was, or maybe he was reminded of me again, since that message we started building a new friendship...

A week later I met this guy that I like, but I still love that ex-boyfriend, so we both eventually have a relationship minus the love. We have a great time together, we had sex, and life was becoming better for me even though I'm still not over my ex-boyfriend yet cus I'm not as lonely.

Since I sent that message to my ex-boyfriend, we started talking every once in a while, but mostly our conversation is full of my stories and his advises for me. I was really happy that I could still be friends with my ex-boyfriend… until last week, horrible things had happened to my friend, pregnancy, abortion, stuff like that and I told him how worried I was with the environment I’m living in, and he said he was really worried about me and, “Please keep our promise”. Then afterwards he said so many things about how I have to take care, make decisions and stand up for myself instead of letting other people do it for me. I was crying in the bathroom for hours during my friend’s birthday sleepover, I didn’t know he still remembers, I didn’t know he still cares that much about me. I asked him in the end if he cares so much about me cause I’m weak and lame, he said because he cares about me. I lied to him that I still kept the promise cause I could read from his worried tone, that if he could take me away from this place, he would.

It didn’t feel right lying to someone I really love, but I couldn’t stand seeing him being disappointed again, I’ve disappointed him so many times in during our relationship because I often times get myself into stupid troubles. My friend told me it’s unfair for him to think that I’m still keeping the promise when I don’t and he still does, and that it’s unbelievable that I could break such big promise like that. So I told him that I lied, I said sorry for everything in a long message. As a friend, I would expect him to be mad only about the promise that I broke and how he feel betrayed etc, but he wasn’t, he was mad about how I’m putting myself in danger, how I’m not respecting myself, how I never thing about my parents when I do it. I figure out it was more than a promise. He told me he made that promise in the beginning for me, for my own good in the future when we’re not together anymore. I was out of words… This guy I loved who disappeared from my life suddenly appeared and showed me how much he actually cares for me all this time, but never shows it. I don’t even know what to say to him, the best thing I could say was… sorry. On the one hand I feel guilty for being such a bad person by breaking a promise as important as that, but on the other hand I think it is not entirely my fault, cause he just disappeared and acted like I’ve never existed in his life before, and besides he’s 5000 miles away from me, is it worth it to keep an long-lost promise?

He said he doesn’t know if we're still friends or not, and I’m not surprised. I won’t even try to imagine being in his position. I’ve lost him as a lover, now I’ve lost him as a friend… and it’s saddening, because he’s the only one person who really understands me, who knows what I need and what he needs to say to make me feel better. Now he’s gone. I’ve been struggling to say goodbye to him, but now I have to say it anyway because it’s not an option anymore. I still love him but there’s nothing I can do right now, I’m looking forward to seeing him in our country when he comes home during the summer holiday.